Category: Rituals

It’s almost always possible to pick the person in charge
even when looking incongruously out of place
and bedecked with soft toys.
I tell him it’s a really good thing they’re doing
“mate,” he booms,
tone and volume seldom heard in a hospital
“I’m really pleased to be able to do this.”
And then waves an arm around
“it’s not me
its these guys
they raised the money to pay for it,
a year’s work mate –
a year of, sausage sizzles, bar raffles, quiz nights
I’m really proud of them.”

We were both surprised
you’ll be lucky said the agent
“Christmas eve ….. must have been a cancellation.”

In the arrivals hall my mother was delighted
truth knew it was about yesterday, not today –
the birth of a granddaughter.

We swung by the hospital
sister –in – law and new neice – brand new
quiet
very quiet
only, hours old babies and first-time mothers.
And
a group of burly men
uncorporate, untailored, unairbrushed
panel beaters
builders
mechanics
working men,
skipping the Christmas booze up
to deliver soft new toys
to soft new arrivals.

Children,
such wonderful promulgators of misconception
and mispronunciation.
A friend’s young son once told me
they had a boy puppy –
that it was written underneath
because daddy had turned it upside down …. and then told him.
Buzz, by  the way of buzzer, Aldrin
would have been plain old Edwin,
if his sister had been able to pronounce brother.

And I grew up thinking Christmas carol grandma ran over a reindeer
because
in our part of town people kept saying, old Mrs Derbyshire should stop driving,
she’s going to run someone over.

I’ve always wondered what would’ve happened if our grandma
had run over a reindeer – or anything
and the police been summoned.
When she was 70 my father urged her to take the physical,
required to keep her driving licence.
She deemed it not necessary
he persisted.
Ping-pong for 10 minutes
my father stated she would lose her licence to drive –
“they’ll take it from you”
“No they can’t,
yes they can!”

“No they can’t – I haven’t got one.” And never had.
Whenever grandma was driving and saw a policeman
she waved cheerfully to them,
often they smiled
and waved back.
She was still driving when she died aged 83 –
still without a licence.